Finally Used the "A" Word

Last night, my husband and I were about to eat dinner when our conversation turned to the party we are attending tonight. This brought us into a deeper discussion about my abstinence. It was clear that he wasn't quite understanding that I had finally come to terms with the fact that I am an alcoholic. I explained again that I can't just have one. That I am not capable of social drinking. Then I finally said the word. The A word. Alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. For a second, I could tell he was a little surprised, but then he calmly agreed and sort of settled into it. He is worried that I am going to succumb to a drink and hate myself afterward. I told him that while I am going to try my best, I can't make any guarantees. But I don't even want to say that because it feels like I am giving myself an out. I guess all I can say is that I feel strong in my resolve right now. Today.

He also wondered what I was going to say when people at the party noticed that I wasn't drinking. I decided to simply say, "I just can't do that anymore" and leave it at that. I am not interested in making other people feel comfortable, I don't care how they interpret my response. They aren't the one struggling with the disease, so why do I have to lie, cover it up, sugar coat it, etc.? I think he thought I was going to stand up in the middle of the party, gather everyone's attention and say something like, "Okay, people, I have an announcement to make!" I mean, seriously? I will only comment on it if I am asked, but I'm not going to say something like, "Oh, my stomach is bothering me," or, "I don't feel like it tonight." Why? There are several of reasons why.

1. These people know me. They know how much I drink. They know I never, ever show up without a bottle or two at a party.
2. If I say I don't feel like it or my stomach hurts, what will I say at the next party?
3. They won't be surprised to learn that I've stopped drinking. I am pretty sure they know my deal.

We've determined that if I start to feel nervous or vulnerable that we will both leave. He is totally behind me on this. One hundred percent.

When I went up to bed, he hugged me tight and said, "I'm proud of you." Well, I'm proud of him, too. I have a true partner in life. Don't think I don't know how fortunate I am.