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Thursday, May 15, 2014

Coming Out as an Alcoholic

Several nights ago, my husband told me that he had invited our friend to come over and enjoy our fire pit. He asked if next Friday night would be okay. This is a friend who is going through a tough time and we both enjoy her company a lot, so of course I said, "Sure!" Then he said she was going to be bringing some wine, because, you know, she and I both like wine. I knew I was about to embark on Day 1, so I didn't say anything at the time. Last night, I said, "Hey, I don't mind if (friend's name) brings wine, but please let her know that I'm out." He kind of looked at me funny. "I just can't do it, honey, " I explained. He has never had a drink in his life, so he doesn't really get it. "Just cut back. You don't have to give it up," he responded. And then, I said out loud, and for the very first time, "I can't do it anymore. Like, ever. I can't cut down. I can't just have one." That last part was really hard to say. He responded with something like, "Alright, we'll see how long this lasts."

I don't want to suggest that my husband isn't supportive. We've been together for over 10 years and he has never given me a hard time about my drinking. He takes out the recycling, he knows what's up. He is a kind, sensitive, supportive, amazing man and I couldn't imagine a single day of my life without him. He is truly my soul mate. But he doesn't understand addiction.

I told him that I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I am resolved to it and that's enough. Still, I am scared about telling family and friends. I am loved, unconditionally, by all of them. I chose my friends wisely and I was gifted the most amazing mother-in-law a woman could ask for. When I tell her, she is going to embrace my sobriety with no judgement whatsoever, as she embraces all of my endeavors because that is the kind of loving, nurturing person that she is. Seriously, I hit the jackpot for mother-in-laws and I feel bad for anyone who has trouble forging a bond with theirs because our relationship is so solid, easy and natural. Just like the one I had with my mother. But I am concerned that people will worry about me and I don't want that to be the reaction. Or like, the "I'm so sorry," (eyes averted) type of reaction. I guess I'd just like people to say, "Hey, that's cool. You've got this, lady." My legs are literally weak and my heart is pounding with fear just thinking about it.

We are going to a party this weekend. There will be alcohol. I am thinking about making a few batches of mocktails for the occasion. I listened to a podcast this morning on The Bubble Hour and Sober Julie was on. She has a site with tons of recipes. I told my husband about this and he is super excited! I think our summer is going to be filled with delicious, refreshing mocktails in the backyard.

I know how lucky I am. A lot of women struggle with their alcoholism AND have to deal with a spouse that drinks. I hope mine can help keep me on track.  

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