It's Like Having Constant PMS

As I continue to live a sober life, I'm noticing that my moods aren't as easily contained as they once were. Patience, which used to come quite naturally to me, is in shorter and shorter supply. I feel like there is some inner lioness, always ready to lunge, that I am struggling to keep tame. Sometimes she lets out a loud roar before I can stop her, before I have time to even think about it, before it registers that she is snarling and angry. I think alcohol kept this part of me in check. The promise of a drink, many drinks, allowed the sleeping lioness to remain happily content in her liar.  Maybe I thought I had mastered patience, when in fact, I had simply hushed it with a bottle of wine every day.

Yesterday, my husband and I went to Newport. We took a long walk along a beach trail and then sat in the sand. Afterwards, we went strolling through downtown Newport, which, at this time of year is a-buzz with tourists and summer residents. All of the seasonal shops are open and bustling. Ice cream, frozen lemonade, souvenirs, surfing gear, yachts, trendy clothes, sunglasses and lots and lots of dewy wine glasses filled with chardonnay and freshly uncapped bottles of Corona with slivers of lime. There are liquor stores everywhere. I had never really noticed them all, I guess. Mostly because these are places are would rarely shop at, as the wine tends to be so-so and overpriced. But I noticed them yesterday. We had an early dinner at one of my favorite outdoor restaurants. Ordinarily, I would enjoy a nice alcoholic beverage and it would signal the end of a relaxing day. Seafood is so damn good with cold wine. Instead, I had two soda waters with lime. They were fine, but I was annoyed for a good part of the meal because everyone around was drinking and laughing and enjoying a summer buzz. Also, they sat us at the sunniest table, the only one without an umbrella it seems, and I was wearing a black sundress that was sucking in the heat from the sun at an alarming rate. We did eventually move when our food finally came, but I was somewhat unsatisfied. It was another "first." My first Newport sunshiney day without booze. Check the box.