He's Still Not Getting It

This weekend, my husband and I have plans to see my father-in-law (Father's Day). I made mention that I will need, at some point, to tell my in-laws (who I love dearly, by the way) about this. To my knowledge, they do not know that I have a drinking problem, let alone that I am an alcoholic. They drink, too, probably border-line socially (and perhaps tip-toeing into something more), and I've never gotten obliterated in their presence, though I did overdo it this past Thanksgiving. However, I was far from the only one super drunk that day.

My husband started asking how I knew I was an alcoholic. "Shouldn't you be diagnosed by a doctor?" he asked. I explained that alcoholics diagnose themselves. He was confused, this didn't seem like a good enough response. Almost like I made it up or something. I told him that I forever altered my brain chemistry. He still isn't buying it. He thinks that I should be able to drink, at some point, like a social drinker. I am thoroughly exhausted from explaining this to him. I also felt that there was something more going on here. I asked him why it bothered him so much that I had resolved to never drink again. I started wondering that maybe this wasn't about me. That my coming out as an alcoholic somehow worried him because of how it might appear. Then, a little truth started seeping out.

His sister's ex-husband was/is a cocaine addict. We still don't know for sure if he is actively using. When they were married, he was so ensconced in his addiction, that he stole money from her to buy drugs and was high around the children. When my mother-in-law found out, she was livid. She demanded that my sister-in-law divorce him, for the sake of her grandchildren. He isn't really the nicest person, addiction or not, and I think it really was for the best. My nieces and nephews and my sister-in-law are about the most loving, most adorable people I know and I am sure that they are so much better off without him. He did go into recovery (not sure if he kept sober) and explained that he had a disease. My mother-in-law, still so angry for his actively using around her grandchildren, said, "He doesn't have a disease! He's just an asshole!" I think these words stuck in my husband's mind. He mentioned them last night. So I asked him if he thought I was an asshole because I have an addiction. Of course, he said no. I asked if he thought his mother would think I was an asshole. Again, he said no. A highly functioning alcoholic does their best to protect the people they love. I did not jeopardize our marriage, didn't steal money from anyone, didn't endanger him or myself, etc. In fact, I've carried the financial burden in our marriage. But I still believe that I have a disease.

I know my mother-in-law. I love her with all my heart. We have a mother-daughter bond. When I tell her, she isn't going to suddenly accuse me of being an asshole. So, on top of protecting my sobriety, I now have to help my husband process my disease. I actually have to defend my own diagnosis to him. Do you know how weird that feels? Do you know how much I wish I could agree with my husband? "Yes, honey, you're right. I can probably have a drink every now and then." And he doesn't even drink! So it isn't like he's missing his drinking buddy or anything. I am so confused.