Road Closed

I've been listening more and more to people's stories and how they came to surrender. The word "surrender" brings a few things to mind.

1. An awesome song by Cheap Trick.
2. A white flag waving around at the end of a bloody battle on a big field.
3. A big religious moment in a huge church with people speaking in tongues.

For me, it was a "jig is up" kind of moment. It was the precise time when I just knew. I remember hearing about how the Son of Sam was apprehended by the police after his horrible killing spree in New York City in the 1970s. He was sitting in his car, eating a sandwich, I think, when the police placed him under arrest. He didn't struggle, didn't resist, just kind of sighed and said, "Gee, what took you so long?"

I had a similar feeling when I surrendered, except I wasn't killing anyone (except myself). Two years ago, when I started my journey to manage my drinking and become "like a normal drinker again," I had come to a crossroads. There were 3 distinct paths:

Naturally, I chose the 3rd path. And I am glad I did. I needed to prove to myself that I couldn't moderate. I needed to hush the voice inside my head that said, "Well, you might not be an alcoholic." Also, I was afraid of the label. I ran far away from it like Grover in The Monster at the End of This Book. Until he realized that he was the monster. The cuddly, adorable, furry monster we all know and love. See? Nothing to be afraid of! Continuing to drink the way I wanted to was what I really needed to fear.

So, when I had that moment, it wasn't like a huge light bulb went off or a massive revelation. It was a quiet exhale, a moment of really knowing and not being afraid. I took a look at the crossroads and this is what I saw:

 

Only 2 paths left. I just kind of shrugged and said, "Okay." 

That moment is different for everyone, because we are snowflakes. I truly believe it came to me in a way that I could process, understand and embrace. The not drinking part isn't too difficult and I worry about that a little. Until I remind myself of that number. 4,380 bottles of wine in 12 years. You know, I am glad I did the math because that number is like a built-in brake pedal. I know that if I have just 1 drink, I could easily increase that number by another 700 or 1000.

Peace out, my loveys!