Alignment with Purpose

I had another huge epiphany last night, while I was finishing up work. I always thought that I drank because I liked the taste of it, because it was a reward at the end of a day, because it helped me sleep. Yes to all those things. I didn't think I had all these underlying issues that everyone talks about in AA. The reason why I believed this is because 9-5 Kim deals with shit. Daytime Kim doesn't sweep anything under the carpet. She isn't in denial about her problems. [Okay, Kim my real name, even thought I started this blog with the intention of being anonymous. If I'm getting honest about everything else, I might as well have the courage to say my name.] To the largest extent, this is true. I firmly believe that if you don't have the courage to face your problems, they manifest in other ways and come charging at you later. Better to take the bull by the horns. What I learned to do was compartmentalize myself. Daytime Kim touches her fear and Nighttime Kim unwinds with a drink (or 2 or 3 or 4).

But what I learned about myself today below the lid off the whole thing.

Let me back up. I am a self employed person. I have my own soap making business. I started this business on the side back in 2007 because of a growing passion I had in the form of a hobby, which I had enjoyed since 2000. This passion was/is more of a calling. I can't explain it, but when I am engaged in it, I feel perfectly aligned with myself. The joy I get from making soap is so great and satisfying, I have trouble putting into words. In 2009, I decided to take the big and scary step into full time status with my business. I was trained as a project manager and picked up a lot of extremely critical skills during my years in the corporate world. The first few years were difficult, from a transitional point of view, because instead of getting a predictable paycheck deposited in my bank account at the end of every month, I had to adapt to getting more money some weeks and less others. I did 3 to 4 markets a week and busted my ass. Don't get me wrong, I loved every little part of it, but I was working harder than I ever had in my whole life and I wasn't sure what the results were going to be month to month. Even if I brought my best game, I couldn't change a rainy weekend or a poorly attended market. I still managed, though, to pay my bills. So, I couldn't afford to buy new clothes every season. Big deal. I realized that I was spending money on a lot of things that had no real value in my life. My schedule was flexible, so I was able to take my mother to her chemo appointments every week and spend quality time with her at the doctor's office. Sounds depressing, I know, but it was still time with my mother. I felt that for everything I lost in traditional employment, I gained other things, better things.

After my mother died, she left me money. I had no idea how much money it was going to be. Let's just say that it was a large sum. It was a great gift. But getting an inheritance is stressful. Firstly, I felt guilty about it. I received this money, but lost my mother. It was hard to resolve that in my mind. I decided to use some of the money to invest in my business, because I know that's what she would have wanted me to do. I opened a shop. It was a dream of mine from the time I started my business and my mother's gift allowed this to be a reality. I devoted a wall in my shop to "my ladies," pictures of my mother and my 2 grandmothers, right near the register. So that I could look up at their smiling faces every time I was at the counter.

Now, I have overhead. A lot more than when I rented a small commercial space. I have an employee. I have large utility bills. Although my business is grossing more than it ever has, the cost of doing business has risen significantly. I've always been profitable, but the profit is teensy weensy. The money my mother left me has been floating me. My husband is a care taker for the elderly. A very honorable job with a lifetime of job security, but extremely meager earnings. My goal is to grow my business to the point where I can take care of both of us, financially, and maybe have his earnings go into savings. I am making steady progress toward this goal.

However, I wrestle with demons. And the root of those demons is fear. I fear losing/squandering this beautiful gift my mother gave me. I keep thinking that maybe I wasn't cut out for this. Perhaps I don't have what it takes to be the success I have imagined for myself and my family. Every day, I get up and put one foot in front of the other and work toward my goals, but these fears are so real and have had such an impact on me, I get paralyzed by them at times. My shop has 2 successful businesses on either side of me and it is difficult to keep my jealous feelings at bay. They are a manifestation of my fears, I know that. And this was a huge reason why I drank.

I am feeling best when I can push the fear aside and draw my focus on my passion, on the love I have for my craft, my customers, my product. I feel great dignity in my career. I provide simple pleasures to people. And it's those small things that add up and make a difference in people's lives. I don't need to move mountains for people. If I can provide the tools for one to go home and de-stress themselves after a hard day, i have done my job.

My customers are wonderful. They take time out of their day to give me beautiful reviews on Yelp. They tell me how happy they feel when they are in my shop. Some people have told me that my soap has cleared up their skin conditions. I am enjoying a lot more private label clients and wholesale clients than ever before. I have a lot of reasons to stay positive and hopeful. But that fear is real.

I was raised to be motivated by fear. That the idea of losing everything should drive you to succeed. To have savings. To be prepared for a rainy day. This seems insurmountable right now. I have a lot riding on the success of my business and it doesn't seem to be happening at the pace I want it to.

Drinking helped me push that fear aside for the night. It helped me to detach from it. It gave me a break. Until 4 in the morning, when I would wake up stone cold sober. That fear would come back with a vengeance and slap me hard across the face. Forcing me, at my most vulnerable moment of the day, to think of nothing but the possibility of failure.

What I realized last night is that the fear is what keeps me from being properly aligned with my purpose and that my wine bottle was besties with my fear. They were a match made in heaven. Without those 2 things, I can reach my full potential. When this moment hit me, I literally cried out loud and thanked the universe. I will remember this for the rest of my life. It was an earth shattering discovery, as simple as it might seem.

So, my new quest is to dig deep and identify these fears. Get to know them intimately. Then, kindly let them go from my life. I need to focus on what keeps me aligned with my gifts and not let fear factor into the equation. Not even let it participate in the conversation.