My First SMART Meeting

I attended my first meeting last night. It is the only SMART group in the state of Rhode Island. The organizer is 7 months sober. It is held at a little hospital cafe, which I find so much more comfortable than in a church. In SMART, the 12 steps aren't done, nor is there a higher power type deal. I am spiritual, and I do believe in a supreme being, but I don't subscribe to any religion. I keep it simple. If my religion had a name it would be, "The Temple of Unconditional Love." Because I firmly believe that love is the glue that binds us all. My relationship with God is personal and intimate and I don't talk about it with anyone. My husband is a staunch atheist, which I completely respect. I also respect people who are devout to the religion of their choice, I just prefer that it isn't preached to me. This is one of the reasons I chose SMART. I am also a little uncertain about the 12 Step thing. If it works for you, awesome. Every alcoholic needs to put the tools that they need in their tool box. Whatever keeps you sober. I prefer the SMART method because it doesn't feel as cult-like. Maybe if I attended an AA meeting and fully embraced the 12 Step Program, I might feel different, but it doesn't exactly fit with where I am now. 

It was a relief to discuss this disease with people who know, first hand, what it is all about. The organizer had progressed further into it than I did, but I don't see any alcoholic as being better or worse than me. I had chosen not to stop drinking when I did, who knows? I rarely managed to have more than a bottle of wine a day for 12 years, but that could have changed. I could have developed a serious illness as a result of my drinking. Any number of horrible things may have happened, so I am grateful I surrendered when I did.

We talked about telling family and what to do at parties/weddings/celebrations. Oh, and I brought up the O'Doul's. I was told that non-alcoholic beer and wine is for non-alcoholics. Fine. I am getting rid of it. I think I needed to hear that. I can have 1 O'Doul's now and not crave another, but I have no idea what that will mean in the future and I don't want to go there. I also don't need the stress of having to determine if it's okay or not. That's almost as exhausting as when I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't an alcoholic. So, okay, I'm done with O'Doul's.

I've been having strange dreams lately. Not dreams in which I drink again (though I did have those when I was abstaining for 30 days 2 years ago). More like dreams where I am being stalked and hunted. The other night, I found myself in a Friday the 13th movie, one of the late 1980's ones. I don't know if it has anything to do with early sobriety or not. Maybe it was just a random thing. I like horror movies, but I don't like scary dreams!

I'm on Day 16 ;)