This is My Sponsor

 

In AA, people get sponsors. I'm sure this is super helpful. The organizer of my SMART meeting gave his number out to us all and basically said that he is always available to talk people off the ledge. I've decided that Henry Rollins is my sponsor. He is the person my brain will channel should I find myself in a vulnerable position. I am thinking of carrying his picture around with me. Maybe I will make it the wallpaper of my smartphone. Whenever I need to get a big job done, I always picture him yelling at me like a drill sergeant. It works. I think I need that kind of force. I need someone to give it to me straight and not provide an "out." If I slip up in the future, I picture my sponsor saying, Get up, dust off and get the fuck back to it. Not, Oh, that's okay, you're only human, yadda yadda yadda. He's pretty handsome, too. I'm more of a Bradley Cooper kind of gal, but Henry will do in a pinch.

I'm Having Trouble with This

I was reading up on this book. Mainly because I was doing some googling about Caroline Knapp, the author of "Drinking, a Love Story." This came up in my feed. I can honestly say that I can't remember the precise time I went from being "almost alcoholic" to "alcoholic." The signs that they point to seem to suggest one is a highly functioning alcoholic. Some of the signs don't even apply to me, as my drinking never interfered with my professional life. I was a master compartmentalizer.  I rarely drove drunk or even buzzed. I felt really strongly about that. On the occasions that I did do it, I felt horribly guilty and paranoid the whole time. I still don't know how my father was so casual and carefree about it. He drank WHILE driving and didn't seem to think that there would be any consequences. He was just plain lucky.

Anyway, I am curious about this book. I find it hard to believe that once someone presents the criteria offered by the authors, that they would be able to cut down, moderate, go back to normal drinking. Maybe it's just my own experience talking. Perhaps, if I were honest with myself 12 years ago, I could have curbed it. But it's not like you sit around with a checklist every time you open a bottle of wine. Many of us just kind of float and sway into dependency. It starts with one drink a day, turns into 2. Perhaps it stays there for sometime, then gradually moves into 3. The operative word is gradual. I am confused by this book, I guess. Although, I do hope it was helpful in getting some people away from the edge and back into normalcy.

By the way, Caroline's book is quite a good read. She, herself, was a fascinating person. She was a writer at the Boston Phoenix for years. I am sure I read her columns often, as I was living in the Boston area almost the entire time she was on staff there and picked up a copy of the paper every month. I see a lot of myself in her. I was very saddened to learn that that she succumbed to lung cancer at the young age of 42. That's how old I am and it frightens me.

Learning to Nurse

So, here's a little struggle I have when I am in situations where I would really like to drink, though, I know I cannot (Hmmm ... isn't this every night?). I drink fast. Like, with Olympic speed. Seriously, I ought to receive a medal for this. I can down a liter of seltzer in a half hour. I used to drink alcohol with speed, too. I notice that I drink faster when I am in social situations, celebrations, etc. The first party I attended sober, I whipped through a gallon of a seltzer/pomegranate/lime libation. Why? I think this is a manifestation of anxiety. A knee-jerk reaction. Always having a beverage on hand and keeping a vice grip on said beverage, no matter what it is. It's like I can't just take a sip here or there and be comfortable and happy. No. I have to gulp it down and run for a refill.

Health experts say that you are supposed to drink 8 huge glasses of water a day. I imagine that the people who adhere to this are speed drinking, too. I mean, how can you do it, otherwise?

I wish I could just be. Without this need to consume. Maybe I'll practice this.

The Bubble Hour

This morning, I listened to Sunday's podcast of The Bubble Hour. The topic was about relating to other alcoholics, as some of us do in meetings. There were a lot of moments in the podcast that I identified with. One of them was getting toward the end. Someone talked about Moderation Management, which, as you may know, I tried 2 years ago. She said that she was reading the MM discussion boards and they were filled with people reporting their drinks for the week and talking about how proud they were that they had just "2 units" of something when they were out at a party. Every message seemed to be a variation on this, and she was just like, "Wow, that's exhausting." Another person chimed in that when they read up on it (before they got sober), they laughed at the 30 days of abstinence and then scoffed at the moderation levels that people are supposed to attain. Only another alcoholic can so keenly relate to those responses. Moderation is exhausting. Drinking is supposed to be about having fun and these people are treating it like they are on a diet or something, imputing their drinks into a journal like food. Why bother at all? Also, I have since read that there just isn't any turning back once you've trained your brain to be alcoholic. It's irreversible. Instead, you just have to abstain for good or go back to drinking 10,000 drinks. Any attempts to moderate, once you've progressed to a certain point in the disease, will likely be met with failure which will untimely result in feelings of frustration and inadequacy. At least, this is the case for me. I haven't met anyone who can go back to social drinking after they've abused alcohol for a long time. Maybe people like this exist and if they do, god bless 'em.

It's Day 25 for me and the sun is out. It's Friday. I'm feeling better today, more optimistic. Last night, I ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill to get rid of my blah feelings and it seems to work. Thank you, endorphins. Of course, I got all crabby again when I went to take a shower and found that the shower handle suddenly broke off. (On Monday, we had our garbage disposal replaced and 2 traps snaked out in our upstairs bathroom. On Tuesday, I brought my car in because I had a flat tire, needed an oil change and an inspection sticker. The mechanic called to say that I needed new brakes, too, in order to pass inspection. On Wednesday morning, our home computer decided it didn't want to boot up. I wasn't in the mood for another repair!) My husband was actually able to fix the shower thing when he got home from work. Whew!

Feeling Blue

It's raining here in the north east and I'm feeling a bit low. The weather is depressing and the outdoor movie (The Breakfast Club) my husband and I were planning to attend has been postponed. It was a particularly difficult winter in New England. The snow, I like. The arctic temps, not so much. Our "spring" has been unusually cold, but summer is a scary thought because I haven't got the beach body I want yet. Some of my work prospects are on hold. I have one very large business opportunity that is really taking its time shaking out and I am lacking the motivation to do the projects I actually have the green light on. On days like this, I would slide my shitty depressed feelings off the cutting board by opening a bottle of wine to numb myself. Tomorrow is a new day, I would tell myself. Now, I have the promise of seltzer water and lime when I get home and let me tell you, I ain't too excited about it.

I realize that I have to find some motivation. I am starting yoga classes next Wednesday and my Tuesday SMART meetings definitely give me something to look forward to. But I'm just feeling lousy and stuck in place today.

At least I have 24 days of sobriety to celebrate.

HFA (Highly Functioning Alcoholics)

I fit into this category, as do many people. I personally feel that this is one of the riskiest types of addicts because the disease progresses and goes on for a long time without any intervention. Along with that are copious doses of denial by the alcoholic. Prior to surrendering, I would have been tempted to run you over with my car if you accused me of being an alcoholic. But instead, I would fire off all the reasons why I wasn't an alcoholic and point out my successes and responsibilities, as well as the fact that I had never had a DUI, missed a day of work and underperformed in any way because of drinking. I would point out that real alcoholics have fucked up their lives beyond repair and find themselves living under bridges and sleeping on park benches. This is why it's so tricky. I also think that there are a lot of online quizzes and surveys that let the HFA off the hook because the criteria for definition is mostly in very advanced stages of the disease. I could probably have done another ten years of heavy drinking standing on my head if I hadn't decided to stop. I think it's vital that these types of alcoholics get help. You don't need to run your car into a telephone pole to prove to society and to yourself that you are an alcoholic. All of the bullet points below apply to me and maybe you, too.

From addiction-intervention. com:

• In the company of others who drink – The HFA surrounds himself with others who like to drink. This assimilation makes it difficult to pick out the HFA as being different from the rest. Besides, the HFA truly enjoys drinking and being around others with similar likes. 
• Obsessing over alcohol – The thought of alcohol is never far from the mind of the HFA. Counting hours until the next drink, mentally savoring the mellowness and pleasure of the impending drink, calculating how much alcohol can be consumed without any outward signs of drunkenness – the HFA obsesses over alcohol. 
• Consuming craving – One drink is never enough for the HFA. The lure is too strong, and the craving consumes the HFA until he or she can have the next drink – and the next, and the next. Before long, the HFA has lost control over total alcohol intake – even though he or she still may appear outwardly normal and in control. After all, they are masters of discipline and concealment. 
• Alcohol is part of their lives – The HFA would no more give up alcohol than they’d give up their identity. Alcohol is so much a part of their lives that they cannot imagine a life without alcohol. 
• Finishing drinks of others – If someone the HFA is with leaves a drink on the bar or the table, the HFA may pick it up and finish it. “Don’t want to let this go to waste,” he may say in a joking manner. Related to this is the example of the HFA downing his own drink when it’s time to leave – to go to the table at the restaurant after waiting at the bar, for example – and then quickly ordering another. If a family member or friend doesn’t touch his or her drink, the HFA often drinks it along with his own.
• Experiencing shame over drunken behavior – Being such masters of concealment, the HFA does often experience remorse and/or shame over instances where their behavior has become sloppy after drinking. Such behavior isn’t part of their carefully crafted images and they consequently work even harder to avoid such mistakes in the future. But they won’t quit drinking. They’ll just watch their behavior more. 
• Self-deluding – Some HFAs drink only expensive wine or liquor in the mistaken belief that this means they’re not an alcoholic. It’s a self-delusion that allows them to continue to drink with impunity. 
• Fit life into compartments – Another familiar sign of HFAs is that they are able to conveniently separate their drinking lives from the rest of their existence. Who they are at home, on the job, or to casual acquaintances is totally different from their drinking routine and environment. 
• Tried to quit but failed – At some point the HFA may have tried to quit drinking but failed in the attempt. This pattern may often be repeated, but still the HFA refuses to seek treatment. It is part of their personality makeup, their self-constructed identity that they feel they can handle their drinking on their own. Such refusal to get help is difficult to overcome. 
• Excuses and rewards – HFAs feel they work hard and deserve a drink as a reward. Drinking, to the HFA, is both an excuse and a reward. The HFA may even use those words in defense of his actions – to himself and to others. 
• Hiding and sneaking – When others are going to be around – and watching – the HFA may sneak a drink early, drink before going out, or drink alone. Such secrecy is part of the concealment of the HFA’s true problem. He or she has to get in the drinking, but can’t take the risk of others finding out or suspecting the real problem. 
• Emotional and physical consequences don’t matter – Whether minor or severe, emotional and physical consequences of drinking don’t make a difference to the HFA – who will continue to drink, regardless. It’s only when things really spiral out of control that the HFA, or those closest to him, may seek help for the problem. 
• Blackouts, memory losses, or worse – At the end of the HFA’s downward spiral – just as with any other alcoholic – blackouts, memory losses, increasing physical, emotional, psychological, social and/or legal problems intensify. It’s at this point that the HFA either gets treatment or continues to deteriorate.

Day 22

I did do some research and found out that the sleepy thing is completely normal. It really is your body's way of repairing years of alcoholic damage. I was up until midnight last night, but it was likely because I had 2 cups of tea sitting around the fire pit. I'm running on 6 hours today and so far, I feel pretty good, as I mentally prepare for my SMART meeting tonight.

Last Friday was a little bumpy. I worked a 13 hour day and topped it off with a birthday dinner for one of my friends at a beloved restaurant. Luckily, the only seat available when I arrived was next to a friend of mine who rarely drinks and was enjoying coffee all night. I had a "Rye Jito" mocktail (I was expecting a minty beverage, but it was more citrus-y) and an Irish Breakfast tea. Even though I was surrounded with good company, I was bummed about not being able to drink. Most everyone had a nice beer or what-have-you and I was jealous. But at least I didn't have to worry about driving home buzzed. I also look forward to hangover-free mornings. What a joy it is to wake up from a natural sleep, ready to start the day.

I will be starting Wednesday night yoga sessions soon. I am very much looking forward to that, however, I realize that I have serious work to do with the perfectionism and fear pieces. Not sure how to tackle those. I have acknowledged that each of these evils has informed by behavior- my drinking - for as long as I can remember. I know they dance around together, waltzing, sometimes doing the Polka, in my brain, but shoo them away, I cannot yet do.