Maybe I was what you might call a boring alcoholic. Although I did have my glorious drunken moments, I wasn't exactly Lindsay Lohan. Here is what a very typical night might have looked like.
4:30 PM: Oh, it's going to be nice to go home, relax, make dinner and have a glass of wine. Today has been exhausting!
5:30 PM: Almost quitting time! I can make my famous tomato basil pasta dish and maybe I'll pick up some fresh Parmesan cheese to grate. We have like, a week's worth of Jeopardy to catch up on, too! I'll go by the place in the village for wine tonight, since I went to the other place last night.
6:30 PM: I hand the person at the register my debit card and wish I weren't on a first name basis with every liquor store clerk within a five mile radius of my house. I say, "Let me know if you get in any sulfite-free wine anytime soon!" Because it's the sulfites that cause my sinus problems and acid reflux. Not the fact that I drink an entire bottle at a time.
6:45 PM: Ah, opening the bottle always makes me feel relaxed. That first pour signals the beginning of the night.
7:00 PM: Halfway done with the first glass and in the middle of dinner prep. I top off the glass.
7:15 PM: Ready for dinner and oopsie! Down to half a glass again. Maybe I'll just bring the wine bottle out to the table so I don't have to keep getting up.
7:45 PM: Dinner is done. Ready for another glass of wine. Time to start the Jeopardy marathon!
8:00 PM: I love this show. And I am on fire! Nailing all the answers. They tailor-made this episode for me! I am tied with my (non-drinking) trivia-headed husband.
8:30 PM: Crap, this happens every time. I'm two-thirds of the bottle in. I have to make this last.
9:00 PM: I'm totally sucking at this episode of Jeopardy. It's like I know the answers, if I just had like two or three more seconds to come up with them. They are all on the tip of my tongue! My husband is creaming me.
9:30 PM: My phone rings. It's my best friend. I have to take it. "Do you mind, honey?" I pour the rest of the wine into my glass. Uh, oh.
10:30 PM: I hope I have done a sufficient job convincing my friend that I sober. I might have gotten a little overly emotional about something at one point. We hung up on normal terms, so I'm probably safe. I think there is some leftover Bud Light somewhere in the basement.
10:40 PM: Okay, whatever, I know I don't particularly care for beer, but so what? It's my house and I'll drink it if I want to. I can pour it in another glass so I don't feel so "King of the Hill" drinking it out of the can. Come to think of it, I'll use a mason jar because I can fit two cans in it.
10: 45 PM: Back to Jeopardy. I really stink at this. I'm stupid. Why did my husband even marry me? I'm getting sleepy. I'll just check Facebook real quick before I hit the hay. (I swerve and sway over to my husband to kiss him goodnight. I am trying really hard to just look like a tired person.) Maybe I don't look super drunk. No, I'm probably fine. He hates me. He is just disgusted with me. I can totally see why, too. I mean, I am just a wreck.
11:00 PM: I'm posting something really clever on Facebook before bed. Because I am a fucking genius and all my friends will think this is hilarious. How did brushing my teeth become the hardest thing in the world?
12:15 AM: What the fuck was that? Oh, it's just my husband moving me onto my stomach. Is my snoring that bad?
4:00 AM: Wide awake. I have to pee a river. Now, all the negative and paranoid thoughts come barreling at me. What the hell did I post on Facebook? Shit, all the bills are due at the end of the week! And I haven't even started that crazy work project yet! God, I'm thirsty. I am such a loser. Oh, shit, what was that? Is that where my liver is? Was that like a pang of some kind? Maybe it's just a little cramp. I'm fine. I'm totally fine. I need to get back to sleep. Did I ever send a thank you card to my mother-in-law for that gift? I am a horrible person.
5:00 AM: Still awake. Awesome. This is just so fucking awesome. But it serves me right. I need more water. And I have to pee again.
5:45 AM: Finally ... drifting off ...
6:30 AM: What's that noise? Is that the alarm? Where's the aspirin?