Okay, so I am still pretty new to this sobriety thing. I am 105 days in, which would be pretty impressive to my day 1 self, but compared to the total days I hope I have left to live, this number is pretty low. I am still crafting my own program and my opinions about things shift quite a lot. Just look at how long it took me to wrestle with "To O'Doul's or Not to O'Doul's?" And "Will I become addicted to recovery, the same way I was addicted to alcohol and cigarettes?" I mean, protecting my sobriety is serious business, so I think about these seemingly silly things. A lot. I think that is a natural part of early recovery. Figuring out what works for you, what feels right and what sorts of things you know you want to avoid/welcome into your life. It's a work in progress and I am sure that there are people with decades of sobriety who continually discover new things as the years go by. That's a wonderful thing.
So, how does one in early sobriety assist another person in recovery? What could I possibly offer my friends who share this struggle? The answer is: plenty!
- Share your story. The simple act of sharing your story is enormously helpful. Just knowing that you aren't alone in this struggle can help take pounds of invisible weight off one's shoulders. All of those little relatable pieces really do add up. It's so powerful, but simple, too.
- Actively listen without judgement.
- Share resources that have been helpful to you. Whether it be books, podcasts, discussion boards, articles, support groups, movies, apps - whatever.
- Be supportive, encouraging and positive. Relapses are common and I think the best way to help someone in recovery who has relapsed is to let them know that you are there for them.
Here are some things you might not want to do:
- Don't tell someone to take a specific medication. I would leave this to the medical professionals. You can share perhaps what you have taken if you want, but I wouldn't dispense that kind of medical advice without a license.
- Make suggestions, but do not force or push. When I was actively drinking, the last thing in the world I wanted was to be bullied by someone. It made me want to do more of the things that were harming me. That defensive part of my brain is still there. I didn't suddenly become a different person, so my panties still get in a bunch when I am browbeaten by someone, even when they have really great intentions. Of course, everyone is different, but I generally avoid urging people to do this or that. Suggestions are better.
- Unless the person is your patient and you are a doctor, do not make a medical diagnosis. I wouldn't go around telling people that they are bi-polar, diabetic, or chronically depressed. Just not a good idea.
- Do not judge or label. Goes without saying.
- Do not forbid, warn or use scare tactics. This is tricky. Sometimes people use very dramatic language to get their point across. For example, if going to parties causes you too much anxiety, do not assume that someone else won't be able to handle it. It's appropriate to share that you are not able to do it, but forbidding someone else to do it, is, in my opinion, not the best way to communicate with a fellow person in recovery. I can go to parties and bars with friends and I am perfectly okay. Some places, I know I can't go, so I avoid them. Regular bar: Fine. Wine Bar: No way. Given that Cabernets and Pinot Noirs were my drinks of choice and that wine bars are loaded with pretty excellent ones, I would rather not torture myself. But I wouldn't run up to someone I hardly know (or someone I know well for that matter) and warn them not to go to places like this or horrendous consequences will ensue. There is a difference between dispensing helpful tips and coming across like Crazy Ralph in Friday the 13th, screaming, "You're all doomed!"
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